A few months ago I was having lunch with my kids in a local pizza joint, known for its delicious buffet and its equally delicious kids-eat-free policy, when I noticed an unappetizing sight: A table filled with kids, toddler to pre-teen, tossing food, drinks, napkins and each other on the floor.

The restaurant employees, including the fuming but beleaguered owner, sat stupefied at the spectacle. Yet at no time during the so-called meal did the parents, who were seated at the table directly next to the kids, utter the word the rest of our brains were screaming at such an alarming decibel I felt sure the roof would blow:

NO!

Sadly, it didn't really surprise me. Most of us don't use the word on ourselves, so we have no real practice or point of reference as to when we should use it on others.

Our culture doesn't appreciate the word no. We're urged to say yes to nearly everything fast food, big screen TVs, huge houses, myriad after-school and enrichment activities, lavish vacations, and ridiculously long work-weeks to pay for the whole shebang that when we're encouraged to say no we just don't know how. Or, honestly, why we should bother.

Well, we should bother because saying no is often the best way to show someone we love them. Take, for example, our kids. Saying no to bad behavior teaches them that we love them enough to prevent them from growing-up into self-centered monsters. It also shows our partner that we value our relationship enough to ensure that the kids don't destroy it.

And yes, kids can wreck a relationship. A 1994 Penn State study found that 2/3 of married couples reported a decline in their relationships after the birth of their children. A 2005 University of Washington report echoed that sentiment, while another report later that year, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, found that parents were more miserable than non-parents.

So what does this have to do with saying no? Quite simply, too may of us parents are so busy saying yes to every need and desire of our childrenand, in some cases, ourselvesthat we've forgotten about the needs and desires of our relationship with our partner.

Don't get me wrong: parents absolutely should care for their children I shudder whenever I read about parents who ditch their kids in favor of some new lover. However, lovingly caring for our children shouldn't come at the expense of lovingly caring for our partner. Children need to witness committed adult relationships so that they'll know how to form them when they grow up.

That's where saying no comes in.

We have to flex our no muscle and not be afraid to use it, in public or anywhere else, whenever we encounter behavior that might be counterproductive to a warm, nurturing relationship. That might mean saying no to certain after-school activities so that the family can have dinner together, or saying no to the home theatre so Mom and Dad don't have to work overtime to pay for it. It almost certainly means saying no to a dominant culture that doesn't respect the family or the sacrifices parents must make to raise one.

And yes, raising kids is a sacrifice. It means saying no to a lot of things we used to do before we became parents. But saying no, while difficult, actually frees us up to say yes to things that are more important in this phase of our lives: namely, maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with our partner so that we can be successful in our endeavor to raise happy, well adjusted children.

I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't speak up at the pizza joint. Like most folks, I didn't feel it was my place to step in or, worse, give the impression I was telling other parents how to raise their kids. But by sitting back and doing nothing, I put my stamp of approval on a yes culture that will eventually wreck our families if we don't do something about it.

I won't make that mistake again.

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